It hurts..

I recently lost 3 of my friends and I am finding it really hard to deal with. 

I have been told to pick myself up and move on but it just hurts so much.  I'm extremely cautious about letting people into my life because I have been hurt badly in the past.  It takes me a while to trust people and when I do let them in it's kind of a big deal for me.  These 3 people were very special to me so I can't just move on and pretend that I don't care.

Some awful things were said to me which have left me hurt, confused and full of self doubt. Hurt because I would never dream of saying such things to anyone.  Confused because I don't even know what it is I am supposed to have said and / or done in one case.  Self doubt because I must, as was said, be a terrible person / friend.

I know that I am not perfect but I have tried my best to show my friends how much they mean to me.  I write blog posts about them, make them things, buy them little chocolates when I see them...

I am not sure what to do or how to get through this but I can feel the darkness coming and I am scared.