Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Fuck it!

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

I have found myself being pulled over to the dark side again and just getting out of bed in the morning has been a mission in itself.

I hate feeling like this but I am determined to beat it as I refuse to go back onto my meds. I have been med free for 8 months now and I intend to keep it that way.

I really wish that I could just say fuck it when things/people get to me but I can’t. I seem to take things to heart and I get really upset which doesn’t help much when you are inclined to have fruit loop tendencies.

I have been worrying about work. There was a time when we thought they were going to go into administration but that has been put on hold while Management negotiate with the bank(s). I don’t like not knowing where I stand and I don’t like being unemployed as I need to work to support my noo’s. We were told to carry on as normal and that they would let us know what is happening but that doesn’t stop you worrying and praying that they have enough money in the bank to pay you come pay day!

My so called family have hurt me a great deal this year and I find that I have been distancing myself from them as I just can’t be dealing with it anymore. I often wish that things were different as I feel so’ooo alone here and it’s a really horrible feeling.

I broke up with my boyfriend on Monday. I didn’t want to but I felt as though I had too as I didn’t like the mind games and I didn’t want to be made to feel like a piece of shit again. People seem to think that because you brake up with someone that you are ok with it but that isn’t always the case. I thought that I’d made the right decision but if I did then why am I doubting myself and why does it hurt so so much?!

I feel as though I am the one that always has to make the effort and I am sick of it. I don’t feel that I have any close friends anymore (here in the UK or anywhere) and I spend a lot of my time feeling so alone and it sux! I also found out that someone, who I thought was a good friend, was slagging me off behind my back but I don’t like confrontation so I haven’t said anything. I do believe in what you give out you get back so it’s only a matter of time.........!

After completely loosing the plot lost year I think that I have done really well and that I have come so far. I just need to get over this little hump and I need to start focusing on the things and people that are important to me – fuck the rest!

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